im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
