you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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