i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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