So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
