i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
