I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
