sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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