hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
