The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize