Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
