Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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