That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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