there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize