You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
