He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
