you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
