It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You smell like stripper and shame
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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