Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
