Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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