How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
