Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
whose parrot is this?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
