Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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