last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
