trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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