Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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