we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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