im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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