I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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