Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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