Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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