I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize