good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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