good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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