New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
