My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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