Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
