she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
