so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
