So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
