You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
