He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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