...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
