Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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