My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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