Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
