Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
