I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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