i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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