Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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