I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
