Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
