My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
