Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
