I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize