Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
