Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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