My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
