I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
