20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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