question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
