The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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