I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just had sex on a roof
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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