i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
